It’s one thing to desire marriage because you’ve been a bridesmaid, or because your aunt “suggests” that it’s time, or because your Pastor’s wife approaches and tells you that someone told her they were interested in you, or your mother had a dream about a wedding with someone she liked for you…
No… Finally, this isn’t induced, conjured up or endorsed, this is all me, and I am actually grateful I’m here. I want to be in a serious relationship that is headed toward marriage.
There. I said it.
Even as I’m grateful for the awareness that I’m here, not being where I want to be is such a tender, but powerful, bittersweet tension. No one prepared me for how raw and vulnerable it feels to want to have ‘your person’ and not have/find them or how gnawing the desire can be to have your own children to laugh at their growth moments while at the same time, loving your own space and ability to determine your life trajectory.
I don’t think that this is discontentment per se, because of what I’ve seen from others. I understand that social media gives us a certain level of ‘control’ and ‘view’ to see a small sample of how others live, and feel like you want what they have or the lifestyle others live. Social cues are legitimate too.
What I’m referring to though, is about creating our own memories, having our own sayings, and sentiments… our own meanings, and our own version of what God meant when He said that the two should become one… “our” meaning that of mine and my husband.
Is having these things validating? Maybe. I’m aware that marriage and motherhood don’t fulfill on their own. In this season, I’ve been having these encounters of God’s infinite love; how it carries me, will buoy me and anchor me simultaneously in every season of my life. In these emotional changes, this weird middle place, His love is the most comforting because it’s constant. I don’t have to do anything to get it to remain steady, which is such a relief. His love just is. At the same time, I’m not shying away from a part of me I know God created me to be.
For a long time, I fought these roles. Being a wife and a mother was on the back burner of my mind (I didn’t know it at the time, but it was due to fear). I’m aware of my graces and strengths as a woman, as well as my uniqueness. Into my high school to college years, I had an understanding of my life to accomplish certain things before I “slowed down” into family life. As I went through college, I began to realize things wouldn’t be as I planned.
It’s only now that I’m wholeheartedly believing that it’s going to be better than I planned, even though I can’t see the entire picture. I have a hard time letting go of the life ideas I have in the form of reins many a time. I just know though, that God hasn’t forgotten about me. Even on days I feel the complete opposite.
There are moments I cry about how I feel (another thing I didn’t know about 30+ womanhood 🙄 Why is it so easy to cry now?!). Not out of self-pity, or out of desperation, but honestly, out of longing. Sometimes it’s because of frustration. Other times, it’s tiredness. Then after crying, because sulking is an option that doesn’t console, I trust God… that the tears I’ve released will pour like rain for tomorrow.
I have no pretty conclusion to this. None of this is pretty. It’s raw, tender and just…undisguised. As I realize these things, I realize that I have such an honour for genuine conversations about widely undiscussed topics — when people share the reality of what they feel and understand without making it cut and dry, especially when it isn’t.
It’s not always cut and dry. As long as it’s honest.
