Conversations about relationship “standards”, dating and complications around love are tiring. But, I have some thoughts.
Sometimes, that person that you think is eluding you is probably around you. That woman or man that you imagine could tick off all the boxes on your list is either imaginary… or has the possibility of becoming real. They just aren’t real yet. Let me provide an example.
It’s an unfortunate but known fact that some single women like married men. They may claim they have their reasons. Those reasons are largely superficial… there are inner reasons for their choices. Deep down, they’re attracted to two things: One, they know that man is well loved and cared for, and they are looking for a father figure. The second thing is, they know that married men are (or at least at one point have been) well loved by their wives to an extent so they don’t have to do “much work”. The love between husband and wife has made him into an even more attractive man. Vice versa too.
Maybe that person you see in your head will emerge after you take the chance on loving them as they are, even if they never will change… which *may* cause them to want to change and become better.
Love changes people. It’s so amazing to see couples look back at their initial courting/dating, first years of marriage phases. Give them 5-15 years in and they have simultaneously grown into each other *and* become better people individually.
Love… Relationships, especially marriage is about growth. My thoughts are, if you’re looking for a person to be everything at once you’re looking for a perfect person that doesn’t exist.
On your list of desires of your ideal, take into consideration the fact that before you, any potential partner has accumulated at least 20+ years of experiences, memories, traumas, nuances, definitions and behaviours. That doesn’t disappear when you meet, date or even marry. Depending on what they’re exposed to it may shift around. It may heal. If mistreated or put under the duress of perfection, it’ll definitely worsen.
This highlights the need for personal work it takes while you have not met and it can’t be evaded. For your own sake, you have to do the work, to be better. However, the entire point of relationships is because it’s not good for man [people, but especially in the context of marital relationships] to be alone.
Growth is not a solitary act. It’s a collaboration. You need solid relationships to grow. All relationships but especially marriage, because it’s designed to be the most intimate and from what I hear, the most challenging relationship you’ll ever have.
Love is a commitment to growth… growing into the most healthy version of you. Personally. Developmentally. Relationally. Emotionally. Spiritually. Vocationally. Sexually. In purpose.
Whoever you choose as a boyfriend or girlfriend, eventually (hopefully if you’re dating seriously) husband or wife is your growth partner. Never settle, but don’t make your growth standards so high you leave no room for actual growth.
